Music has always been my safety net. No matter what was going on there was always a song in my head and heart. I was not allowed to listen to the radio or watch movies, unless they were Disney or Christian, but i found whatever i needed to get me through. There are times in life, we all face the hard times. The trials and tests of life are the stepping stones which help us grow, not just as people, but as souls. It is through these hard times that we find out what we’re really made of, when we see how we react to the difficult situations. Sometimes, someone will get thrown an awful lot of curves, enough to test their very survival. Sometimes after being hit by wave after wave and being knocked to their knees over and over…they finally learn new ways from being knocked down again. If tenacious enough, one can even teach themselves how to keep standing even though the waves are still crashing against them.
As I look in hindsight over the course of this life, I see how the many hard times endured, helped shape me into the person I am today. Being a Munchausen by Proxy Survivor, (MBPS) I can look back and see how the bad things were lessons in disguise. Mom loved the bible verse “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is older he will not depart from it”. This verse kinda solidifies my youth. Trained to Obey…even if being wronged. Trained to accept whatever came, or the consequences for resisting would be much worse. This training started before I could talk. Threatened on a daily basis with the notion that I would Not go to heaven with mommy but go to hell and burn with the devil, I lived with the literal “fear of God And Mom” hanging like a storm cloud over my head. So whenever any abuse was present, I would disappear in my mind to my safe place until I could come back out again. I did not fight back, I did not ask why, or say “please stop”, somehow I Knew that non resistance is what would keep me alive and help me survive. I believe it was from these survival tactics where my ability to “blend in” was created. I quickly learned to adapt to each situation at hand and be a “chameleon” so to speak, transforming when needed. I learned quite young to listen, keep my mouth shut and not to speak unless spoken to. When one learns these things, no matter what age, u have no choice but to learn to read people’s expressions and mannerisms. The subtle nuances of behavior, and unworded communication between the adults became a language I knew well, from much observation. Being an only child, I was around adults for the most part, with the seniors at church being a source of stability as well as my true “friends”. I was going to say a “source of safety”, but even at a young age I knew that “safety” would only be temporary and short lived. In mom’s defence, she was Very badly abused and tortured and had her own demons to deal with. She loved me best she could, but she didn’t have the ability to teach me the things she was never taught. It was a cycle of invisible children, slipped through the cracks where the help they needed could not be offered. This is how one drowns in plain sight.
Lemme tell ya, it’s difficult to “know yourself” when you’re constantly on guard and not sure who you’re supposed to be in order to keep up appearances. Thankfully, at this point in life, I can now see all things as lessons learned, and the skills developed are now helpful and appreciated. It wasn’t until I hit the big 4-0 that I finally “found myself”. Since then life has taken on new meaning and I now see everything with “new eyes”. I look back and remember the girl I used to be and am so thankful for the lengths I’ve come. There’s a long way to go still of course, always a work in progress…but with the challenges I’ve overcome, I’m confident I can get thru Anything!
It’s important to me…to let any others know that no matter what is going on in your life…u WILL get through it! Hold on! Always pray and hold on to Hope! I KNOW how difficult it can be when one is drowning in daily life, especially when others don’t know what you’re going through or what goes on behind closed doors. Remember….” This too shall pass and everything Does happen for a reason. I just hope that my story can help or inspire others in some small way.
Much Peace, Love & Light to all
Lisa aka mz shady lee